More than a Grizzly (Shifty Book 3)

  More than a Grizzly

  By Sara Summers

  To anyone who has ever lost someone

  Prologue

  When I lost my dad, I lost a piece of myself. I thought I would never feel or love again. How could I? He was my best friend.

  Standing in the hospital, though, I was a changed woman. As doctors told me that my soulmate was dying, there was one thing I knew for certain:

  I could not lose Beau.

  “I’ll find him a miracle.” I whispered. The darkness weighed heavy on my shoulders, reminding me of the pain and grief I had already suffered.

  Still, I had to try. I couldn’t just stand by and let the other half of my soul die, no matter how much pain it might cost me if I didn’t succeed.

  Nothing could hurt more than losing someone else I loved.

  Chapter 1

  (Two Months Earlier)

  I had been desperately waiting for my mate to show up, hoping against all hope that he could save me from the darkness that had surrounded me constantly since my dad’s death.

  But, as soon as he was standing in front of me, I couldn’t even talk myself into smiling at him.

  Come on, just smile. I can manage one real smile.

  I tried as hard as I could to convince myself, but it was pointless. I wasn't in control of my brain anymore; the truth was as simple and as sad as that.

  “I’m Beau.” He gave me a small but genuine smile.

  “I’m Marley.” I hoped my expression reflected his, but I was almost sure it looked about as hollow as I felt.

  “Do you want to go on a walk or something?” he checked.

  “Um,” I hesitated, looking behind me to see if any of my friends was there and could rescue me. I didn’t see anyone. “Sure. Just give me a second.”

  I bit my lip, spinning around and hurrying to the kitchen. At least one of my friends had to be in there watching.

  “He’s cute.” Sav’s eyes were wide and happy, while I’m sure mine were filled with alarm.

  “I can’t do it.” I whispered. “I can’t be half of a relationship. He could never love me.” I folded my arms tight over my stomach, trying to ignore the darkness that seemed to take over my mind.

  I’m not good enough.

  I’m not pretty enough.

  I’m not enough for him.

  Not without my dad.

  I knew the thought weren’t true, but they scraped against my heart all the same.

  “What do you mean? You’re easy to love, Mar. Of course he’ll fall for you.” Sav frowned at me. “Just go talk to him. Go on the walk.”

  “I can’t.” my voice was desperate, my mind scrambling for a real excuse.

  “Yes you can. You’re stronger than you think.” She urged.

  I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the thoughts that pounded down on my mind, hitting me like punches meant to knock an opponent out of the ring.

  I’m not good enough.

  He’ll never love me.

  I’ll never be good enough.

  I wanted to run, but I couldn’t. Even if I did, he would just come after me. He could find me anywhere, the tingling in the marking on my hip proved that to me.

  Feeling like a robot on auto-pilot, I walked back to the front door and gathered the fakest smile I could muster.

  “Alright, let’s go.”

  He nodded, and I followed him outside.

  “So tell me about yourself.” Beau looked over at me. I forced the fake smile to linger on my face.

  “I’m the leader of a pack of about a hundred grizzlies. My family has been in charge for a really long time.” I said, looking down at the cement under my feet.

  “That’s cool.” Beau nodded.

  He thinks I’m stupid.

  He’ll never love me.

  “Yep.” I didn’t look up.

  “Wait, no one expects me to run your pack, right?” he paused, waiting for an answer. I stopped, but didn’t look up from the ground. “Marley?”

  He said my name. Good heavens, it sounded much different from his lips then it ever did in my own thoughts.

  He said my name like I was… a person. Not just a pitiful lifeless sack.

  He said my name like my dad would’ve.

  That thought made me tear up a little.

  “Yes, they expect you to be the new Alpha.” I picked my head up, but it felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.

  “How are we going to tell them that they need a new Alpha?” he wondered, that grimace only looking worse by the minute.

  My entire body stiffened.

  “I’m leading the pack with or without you.” I said flatly. “My dad—“

  I clenched my fists and choked on tears.

  The world seemed to collapse around me. I closed my eyes and tried to stop myself from thinking, tried to stop myself from feeling.

  No one will love me now that he’s gone.

  He’s the only reason my friends ever came over.

  Without him I’m nothing.

  No one respects me.

  No one trusts me.

  I’m completely alone in the world, and that’s how I’m going to stay for the rest of my life.

  My mate will leave me, and so will the pack.

  No one could ever love me.

  Tears rolled down my face, and I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes.

  I can do this. I’m strong, I’m tough.

  I tried to fight for my confidence and my sanity.

  Not without him.

  The darkness whispered back, whirling away the courage that I had tried so hard to gather. I didn’t even stand a chance.

  “Are you okay?” Beau raised his eyebrows, looking at me like I was insane. I didn’t have the energy to argue that I wasn’t. Instead, I looked back down at the sidewalk.

  “I need to go.” I whispered, then hurried back to the house.

  The house that had my dad built into every crack and crevice. I missed him so much that it hurt to even be there, but at the same time, it hurt to imagine ever leaving that place.

  His place.

  I pushed away the thought and hurried up the stairs, running past Savanna, and Jordie, and Brooke, and Jazz, and Lyssie. I couldn’t handle my own friends—I couldn’t handle anyone.

  I couldn’t even handle myself.

  Locking the door behind me, I turned on the shower and ripped off my clothes. I stepped in and stood under the stream of scalding hot water, begging it to wash my pain away.

  When my legs couldn’t hold me up any longer, I collapsed on the floor, hoping the heat would somehow fill the hollow coldness inside me. Instead, it only burned my skin.

  I quivered on the ground for over an hour, willing myself to feel while praying I wouldn’t have to. My tears flowed like the water in the shower, and the emptiness that filled my heart grew ever so steadily.

  I was trapped, with no idea how to escape the prison that was my own mind.

  Honestly, even if I did know how to escape, I wouldn’t have had the energy to do it. Even with my mate inside my house, I couldn’t convince myself to be strong enough to climb out of that shower.

  Chapter 2

  “Marley?” Sav called out. She knocked on the door.

  The shower was still running, and my head resting against the plug in the tub.

  I didn’t have the willpower to answer her.

  “Can I come in?” She asked.

  I would’ve said no if I had the energy to reply.

  I heard noise on the door and knew she was probably breaking in with the bobby pin key that was always on top of the doorframe. Even then, I couldn’t convince myself to mind.

  “Will you please t
alk to me?” Sav whispered.

  I didn’t pick my head up.

  She slid the shower door to the side and shut off the water.

  “Go away.” I whispered.

  “I’m not leaving.” She said, her voice firm.

  She doesn’t care about me.

  “Here’s a towel, stand up and I’ll help you find some clothes.” Sav ordered.

  I didn’t move.

  She just wants me to talk to my mate.

  He will never love me.

  “Marley.” Sav warned, grabbing my arm. “Don’t make me throw you over my shoulder.”

  I accepted her help and somehow managed to stand up despite my Jell-O-limbs.

  “Come on.” Sav’s voice was gentle, but I knew she was commanding me.

  She doesn’t love me.

  No one loves me.

  Without my dad I have nothing.

  I didn’t bother trying to fight the thoughts. They were much stronger than I was.

  Sav held my robe up, helping me put my arms through it and then tying it closed around my waist. She pulled me over to my desk chair and sat me down at the computer, wrapping my hair up in the towel she’d had earlier.

  I didn’t have the energy to stop her.

  “Merla wants to talk to you.” She pulled up Skype and then took a seat on the edge of my bed.

  “Hey, Mar.” Merla smiled. “How are you?”

  “Been better.” I tried to smile, but couldn’t muster it. “What’s up?”

  My voice sounded even flatter out loud than it did in my head.

  “I just missed you.” Merla’s eyes were warm, a direct contrast to the cold numbness I felt inside. “You can go, Sav.” She said.

  Sav patted my shoulder as she left the room.

  “You’re going to lecture me, aren’t you.” I didn’t say it like a question, because to me it wasn’t one. I reached up to shut off the computer.

  “No, I’m not.” Merla hurried. “I saw someone fall out of their chair at work today, and it reminded me of the time Leah fell off the desk when she was teaching everyone about wolf shifters.” She smiled.

  The memory tried to float to the surface of my mind, but something blocked it. That was probably my self-defense mechanism; I had been stopping up every memory that tried to surface over the last four months.

  Still, I almost smiled a little.

  “I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it’s been for you not to have your dad around anymore.”

  I choked on tears again.

  “And throwing your mate into the mix?” She lifted her eyebrows and shook her head. “That’s like ten times worse.”

  I nodded, my eyes filling with tears.

  “It is.” My voice cracked and I bit my lip.

  “When my dad died, I was overwhelmed with the darkest feelings of depression.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “And he wasn’t even good to me. It must be really difficult to be in your shoes.”

  I nodded again, and this time the tears flowed.

  “But Mar, those feelings won’t last forever. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but they will go away. You know that me, and Leah, and Sav, and everyone else are here for you. We’ll do whatever you need, even if you need a back massage or something. Just say the word and I’ll get Sav on it right away.” Merla gave me a big smile, and my own lips tilted a little.

  “Feeling depressed after losing someone is natural, and I don’t want you to worry about it, okay? Just focus on doing whatever you need to heal. No one is upset that you’re going through it. We all love you, Mar, I love you, and it’s going to be okay even if it doesn’t feel like that now.”

  I wiped away tears under my eyes and nodded.

  “I just feel really useless, and unloved.” I looked down. “Thank you.” I bit my lip.

  “You’re neither of those things. You’re one of the strongest people I know, and you’ll make it through all of this.” She promised.

  “What about my mate? What if he doesn’t understand?” I whispered. “He doesn’t want the pack, and I don’t know how he could want me either.”

  I felt the darkness begin to descend again.

  “He’s the other half of your soul, Mar. You have such a beautiful soul, how could your other half not see that too? He’ll love you for who you are, and it’s okay if it doesn’t happen at once. Love takes time just like your healing will.” She assured me.

  I took a deep breath and nodded.

  “Do you know how I can beat this?” I asked softly. “I want to overcome it, I just don’t know how and don’t have the energy to do it. I can’t tell anyone, and it’s hard enough keeping their respect as a woman playing Alpha.” I sighed.

  “It depends on you.” She admitted. “You’ll just have to do everything you can to push through. Every person heals in their own way.”

  “Okay.” I nodded. “I’ll start fighting harder.” I said, though my grip tightened on the armrests.

  “Oh, and hey, remember how we used to go running together every morning before I left for college?” She checked.

  “Yeah.” I nodded again.

  “I’ve been dying to start again, but I can’t convince myself to get up in the morning. Would you want to talk on the phone every morning and go running together? It sounds a little weird, but it could be fun.”

  “I think that would be good.” I smiled a little, feeling a whole lot lighter than I had earlier. “Okay, I should probably go face my mate.” I closed my eyes.

  “If you can’t do it tonight, don’t.” Merla warned. “You’re sick, and it’s okay not to be able to do things when you’re sick.” She reminded me.

  “I know.” I agreed. “But I think I can do this.” I slowly nodded yet again. “Yeah, I’ll be okay.” I gave her another smile. “Thanks for talking to me, you’ve made me feel a lot better.”

  “I’m glad.” Merla smiled. “I get a little lonely at night time, so if you ever feel like offering company via skype, I’m always up for it.” She suggested.

  “That sounds awesome.” I laughed, surprising myself. I hadn’t even almost laughed in days, if not weeks.

  “Alright, go wow your mate with your beautiful soul.” Merla teased. “I love you, Mar.”

  “Love you too.” I couldn’t hold back my smile, touching the screen to end the call before going downstairs. When I got to the bottom, everyone turned to look at me. They sat around the table, playing Go Fish yet again.

  “Ahh, Mar!” Brooke got up and came to give me a hug. “I saved you a seat.” She sang.

  “Thanks.” My lips quirked up in a smile.

  “Of course.” She grabbed my hand and pulled over to an empty chair right between herself and Beau.

  “Are you ready?” Lyssie demanded, giving me a pouty little frown. She was the most adorable two year-old I’d met, pout and all.

  “Be nice, Lyss.” Sav chided her adopted daughter.

  “Sorry.” Her anger morphed into sadness.

  “It’s okay.” Sav reassured her. “Ready to get back to the game?” she looked out at the rest of us, but her eyes mainly went to mine.

  “I’m ready.” I nodded, managing another smile. Jazz took over the table.

  “Okay. Jordie, do you have any twos?” she narrowed her eyes at Sav’s mate, analyzing him.

  “Go fish.” He shook his head.

  She grabbed a card from the pool in the middle of the table.

  “Lyssie, do you have any fours?” Jordie looked over at the little girl. She looked up at Sav, who stood behind her.

  “Go fish.” She whispered in Lyssie’s ear, loud enough that all of us could hear.

  “Go fish!” Lyssie grinned. That was her favorite part of the game; yelling at people.

  The game continued, and I felt the darkness inside me slowly slide away. My smile grew bigger and more real, the more I realized that I wasn’t so alone. I had friends all around me, and they all cared about me.

  That realization was my first step toward wh
at Merla had told me needed to happen:

  Healing.

  Chapter 3

  The longer the game went, the more I noticed Beau looking at me.

  “Marley, do you have any sixes?” He checked.

  The only person he ever asked was me. That seemed a bit fishy… no pun intended.

  “Nope. Go fish.” I shook my head. “Brooke, do you have any threes?”

  “Yep.” She handed me a card.

  I put the pair down next to my only other one. The game was almost over, and Lyssie was winning by a landslide.

  “Lyssie, do you have any ones?” Brooke wondered.

  Sav whispered in her ear, and Lyssie shouted,

  “Go fish!”

  Sav whispered in her ear again.

  “Beau, do you have a six?” Lyssie grinned her cheeky little grin.

  “Yep.” He handed it to her, and she shrieked.

  “I win!” she clapped, and most of us smiled.

  “Alright, it’s bedtime for you.” Jordie scooped her up out of her chair, and her excitement turned to sadness.

  “No!” She wailed. “Not bedtime!”

  “Yep bedtime.” Jordie grinned, tickling the little girl.

  “See you in the morning.” Sav gave everyone a smile. “Goodnight.” She and Jordie headed off to the downstairs guest room, which had become their semi-permanent place.

  “Want to go get ice cream, J?” Brooke looked over at Jazz.

  “It makes you sick.” Jazz reminded her. Brooke made a face.

  “Who cares? Let’s go.” She said.

  They turned around just as they reached the front door.

  “Bye, love bears. Enjoy your first night as a couple.” They both grinned, then hurried to leave.

  As soon as they were gone, the darkness started seeping back in and I had no idea what to do.

  “Um, you can come up to my room if you want.” I cringed at my awkwardness.

  He’ll never love me.

  My arms wrapped around my stomach.

  Come on, Mar. Be strong.

  I urged myself.

  I can do this. I’m going running in the morning.

  “Okay.” Beau nodded.

  “Follow me.” I bit my lip, my limbs suddenly gaining twenty pounds each. Climbing the stairs felt like climbing a mountain, but I forced myself to keep going.